Apples, and other fruits that keep people away
The secret life of seemingly harmless fruits ft. my dining table (Credits: the colorblind artist)
Now, you all have heard the phrase, an apple a day keeps the doctor away. And if you’re anything like me, you loathe visiting the doctor so this sounds like a pretty good deal. You know what else would sound like a pretty good deal? Some other fruit that keeps all my relatives away!
I decided to embark on a quest to find the answer... from the fruit bowl on my dining table. Here’s what I found out;
It literally sounds like ‘pair’, you say? How is that keeping people away, you ask? Meet my good friend, the cactus pair, I mean, pear, also known as the prickly pear!
Don’t believe pears are badass? Here’s proof!
This pair of pears (no pun intended. Or was it?) will coax the unsuspecting human closer, and closer, and then, like a good old spiky grenade, send them howling away with a throat full of prickles. Give your prickly uptight grandma a taste of her own medicine. What more could we ask for?
Keeping people away score: 2/10, but 8/10 if certain adjectives come into play.
Another well known beloved fruit, whose existence on this list is very questionable. Oranges are big, round, and green! Wait, did I get that right? Yes I did! The oranges in my fruit bowl are green! Sometimes, I really hate living in a tropical country.
As they say, we have to learn acceptance. It can make your face go sour, though.
The only reason this is on the list is, orange you glad it’s not anymore?
Keeping people away score: Super effective only if it’s lucky and tastes like lime. Watch your mom’s face go from 100 to -10.
Let’s be honest, if I told you bananas kept people away, you’d go bananas. But there is, in fact, a tested and experimentally proven way of using bananas to keep people (at least your family) far away from you. No, I wasn’t the experimenter! How dare you suggest such a thing!
Okay, so maybe I was the experimenter
Pro tip: it works especially well if you’re a guy and your family are judgmental/homophobes. It also works for horrifying that distant uncle if you eat it in a certain way.
Keeping people away score: 0 to 100 based on your acting skills.
Are you kidding, this one definitely keeps people away! It breathes fire, for heaven's sake! And if any of your friends/family/colleagues brave the flames to keep you company, all you have to do is make it into a drink with the peel and serve it without sugar.
No wonder the dragons aren’t around anymore...they’re too high
It tastes just like weed. The kind that grows, uninvited, in your garden. How do I know? Just call me the mother of dragons. But that doesn’t mean you should tell your weed addicted brother-in-law that!
Keeping people away score: On a scale of weed to dragon, it hits both ends.
A sure fire way to keep your family away from you
Somehow, I thought this was the name of a sport, like squash, but apparently it’s a fruit. It’s like an orange, but like an olive. Confused? So am I, and I’m staring at it. But it’s a small, olive shaped orange and boy, does this lemonade need more sugar.
Keeping people away score: Retreat behind a wall and use it with a slingshot.
If you haven’t been an avid watcher of animated cartoons and come across the devastatingly lethal Melon Lord (cough, earth benders are crazy, cough), perhaps you’ve watched animated movies in which army dudes cross dress to infiltrate a palace with the help of melons and assorted fruits? (I want some of what those Chinese are smoking.)
I think this bounces for itself
But in any case, no explanation is needed for the melons, the cannonballs of the fruit world.
Keeping people away score: If they don’t take this warning, they deserve a melon to the face. If it’s your aunt, cross dressing is recommended.
Don’t blow (most of) them off just yet!
Unless you have a passion for avoiding people, not the best fruit to utilize. Maybe squeeze the juice out and leave it on the floor along with the banana peels?
Score: ranges from 0–6 depending on creativity and passion.
I can think of quite a few creative uses, but it comes with a disclaimer.
Score: Try blowing a raspberry and see if it works. Bonus points if you involve Peeves the poltergeist.
Same situation as the raspberry, but additional uses. Still comes with a disclaimer.
Score: Lethal if your target(s) are racist.
Useless. Utterly useless. Except for one thing….
Score: It’s just the cherry on top.